I'd Turn Back If I Were You | Forward Ho!

Fic: BAPS Round Robin, Buffy/Spike, PG13

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I was rooting around on my hard drive and I found this! And what is this, you may ask? Well, back in the Olden Days (April of 2002, to be precise, otherwise known as "Yore"), LJ was the cool edgy new thing, and Buffy fandom existed mostly on mailing lists and forums. The Bloody Awful Poet Society was one such list, a gathering place for Spike redemptionists and Buffy/Spike fans. For reasons which escape me at this late date, a number of the fic writers who hung out on the list decided to write a round robin story for Easter.

It may be noted that at this juncture, not long after "As You Were" aired, S6 was making us all a tad cranky. Some moreso than others. Most of the writers featured herein are no longer on LJ or even in fandom. Great art this ain't, but... those were the days.


The Great Peep Caper
By Pretty Much Everyone


[Melissa]
Buffy looked up from the DoubleMeat register, shocked at the reappearance of
Riley Finn.

"I need your help, Buffy."


"Take a seat. My shift finishes in 15 minutes," the Slayer replied. She'd
planned to drop by Spike's after work, but boinking - uh - patrolling - with
the Evil Bloodsucking Fiend would have to wait.



[Lisa]

"But, Buffy--"

She cut him off mid sentence. "Riley, you're holding up the line. I'll give you a burger if you'll go sit in the corner."

Riley gave the Slayer a blank look--which Buffy didn't notice because his looks were usually blank--and accepted a super duper chicken-beef burger with extra secret sauce (mayonnaise, mustard, and relish mixed Worcester sauce) before lumbering over to a table in the corner to sit gazing at her dolefully.

When her shift finished Buffy threw her dumb hat into her locker in the back room before joining Riley. He looked. . . big…and pretty much the same … and why was he wearing a Kevlar vest?

"Expecting a shoot out, cowboy?" she asked. "We don't have many of those around here. Just penis demons." Damn… why did she bring that up?

Riley looked at her blankly… again. "Penis--"

"But you wouldn't know anything about that. What's up. . .I mean other than. . .that is. . . Hey, Riley, nice of you to visit."

"I came to warn you."

"About what?"

"About this. Riley handed her a photo. Buffy looked at it aghast. "Is this what it looks like ?"

"Yes, it is."

"Why it's--"

"Horrible?"

"Not the word I'm looking for."

"Frightening."

"Um… no"

"Terrifying."

"I was thinking more like, fluffy and cute. Riley, this is a picture of the Easter Bunny!"

Riley began to pace. "Yes, it is the demon Eastre. Fertility god."

"The Easter Bunny is a fertility god?"

"Did I say, god? I meant goddess--the evil kind."

"He's a she?"

Riley grabbed her shoulders and shook her. "You've got to stay calm!"

Buffy pulled away. "I am calm. And I thought you said he's a she. Is the Easter Bunny a transsexual? 'Cause, you know, gotta be politically correct, here. We aren't allowed to judge lifestyle choices… unless of course we think they're evil."

"He delivers multicolored eggs."

"Knew about the egg thing. What else?"

"Plastic grass."

"Um-hmm… and so far not with the whole terrifying part. Unless. . ." Buffy frowned. "Have you been talking to Anya?"

"He's eeeeeeeeevillll!" And Riley did the waving hand gesture that is the universal signal to accompany the word "eeeeeeeeeeeevvvvviiiiillllllll."

Buffy tilted her head to the side. "Are you SURE you haven't been talking to Anya?"

"I haven't been talking to Anya."

"Hmmm… watching too much Monty Python? Because we already took care of the Knights Who Say Key."

"Yes and we taunted them mercilessly and spit in their general direction…" A deep, knee-meltingly-sexy-yet-amusingly-snarky British voice added.

Riley frowned. . .blankly (what you were expecting something else?)

[Elsa]

The blonde vampire looked Riley up and down.

"Can't say you've developed any fashion sense, soldier boy," he said. "The kevlar look is so 15 minutes ago ..."

"Shut up, Spike. When I want to hear from you I'll drive a railroad spike through my ear."

"Ooo! I'll do it for you! Can I? Oh, sorry... forgot for a moment... can't do that anymore."

"Enough," Buffy said irritably. "Either we cut to the chase, Riley, or I leave with Spike. We've got ... patroling... to do."

"I'm not kidding, Buffy. We're tracking Eastre. There isn't much time. We've got to get back on the hunt."

"Eastre," Spike said thoughtfully. "You're actually hunting the Easter Bunny?" He shook his head. "They don't make commandos like they used do, do they, pet?"

[Ivytree]

Clem came up to Spike, styrofoam container in hand. "Hey, man, thanks for taking care of that stuff for me - " he began.

"Demon!" Riley cried, lunging towards Clem.

Buffy restrained him and forced him into an undersized plastic chair. "What's the matter with you?" she said angrily. "This is our friend."

"He's not human!" Riley shouted. "Can't you see that?"

"Score one for the Giant Cub Scout," Spike said sardonically. "Noticed you weren't human, mate."

"Who is that guy?" Clem said. "He looks sort of familiar."

"Used to hang around the Slayer - couldn't take it - scampered off. That's all I know." Spike felt in his pockets for a cigarette.

"Hey, no smoking in here, buster," Buffy said automatically. "So Riley, how did you track your, um, quarry here?"

"We found dark portents - a summoning - sacrifices. Somebody here is calling her. They've got to be stopped!"

"Sacrifices? To the Easter Bunny?" Buffy said sceptically.

"Hey, wait a minute!" said Clem. "Do you mean Eastre?"

"That's right," Riley looked at him with glazed, fearful eyes. "Was it you? Are you the power calling on - The Bunny?"

"What are you talking about!" Clem was irate. "She's our Goddess! She provides us with healthy eggs! We pray to her - you - you species-ist!"

"Wait a minute - those the ones I've got?" Spike said.

"Well, yeah, we didn't have the storage space. Thanks again, man."

"Eggs? Like stripey, colored eggs?" said Buffy.

"No, no; they're our young. Our community was decimated under the reign of the hated Initiative," Clem said the word itself in a hushed tone. "We've been praying a long time now to replenish our families."

"They're demons, I tell you!" Riley was getting agitated again. "They're ugly, dirty, inhuman! They're evil!"

"Riley, Clem isn't evil," Buffy said patiently.

"You don't even know what evil is, you great prat," Spike said huffily. "Easter Bunny indeed!"

Just then, they were interrupted when a statuesque, dark-haired young woman, also dressed in combat-type clothes, entered.

"Oh, Riley, thank God I found you!" she said, putting her arms around him. As Riley leaned tiredly against her, she turned to the other girl. "You must be Buffy. I knew he'd come here. I'm sorry, he got away from me."

"Uh - got away?"

Her dark eyes were mournful. "He's been - disturbed - for some time now."

[Barb C]

She gave Riley's cheek a fond pat. "The base psychiatrist traces it back to a childhood holiday trauma, but--"

"The Peeps!" Riley muttered. "They're everywhere!" He made little clawing motions with one hand and his eyes darted around the DMP.

"--as you can see, knowing the root of his troubles hasn't helped us solve them. But there is a chance." She turned beseechingly to Buffy, laying a hand on her arm. "Help us, Slayer! You're our only hope!"

Buffy blinked. "And you are again...?"

The tall dark woman stuck her hand out for a frank yet womanly shake. "Samantha Finn. Doctor Samantha Finn--neurosurgeon, jazz pianist, X-treem skateboarder, ultraviolet belt in kung fu, karate, jujitsu, and seventeen other Japanese words. I have a degree in science. Perhaps you've read my annotated translation of Dante? And not just the Inferno, I did the two boring sequels, too." Her full, perfect lips trembled and a single drop of glycerin bedewed her cheek. "And yet all my skills are useless to save the mind and soul of my Rileykins."

Buffy took her hand rather after the manner of someone accepting a plastic glove full of tapioca. "Charmed. Sorta."

Spike shifted his weight impatiently from one foot to the other. "Look, I've got things to kill, people to do..." He waggled an eyebrow at Buffy, who was instantly mesmerized. "And being a soulless evil thing, yours truly's not required to give a good goddam about Soldier Boy's bed-wetting problems." He took Clem's elbow and began hustling him towards the door. "We'll just clear out--" his voice dropped to a menacing growl-- "the whole crypt, =Clement=, I didn't sign on to run a bleeding nursery."

"Buffy?" Sam asked.

Buffy, her eyes glued to Spike's retreating ass, paid no attention. =Mmmm, compact yet muscular... and evil. Evil, and wrong, and...has he been working out?= Sam waved a hand in front of her face and Buffy returned to Earth. "Whuh?"

"Hope, Riley's only, you," Sam repeated patiently.

"Oh. Right." Buffy plastered her best Doublemeat smile onto her face. "So how can I help you?"

[Colleen]

"I'd like a Doublemeat Medley with extra cheese. And a diet coke. Can I get some blood on the side?"

"She wasn't talking to you, blondie. Get in line," Sam interrupted.

The young woman at the front of the line-up stared in shocked amazement at the server before her. "Buffy? You work here? Ohmigod!" She doubled over in laughter.

Riley was jarred from his delusional attack. "Harmony?"

"Riley? Oh, Rileykins." Harmony leapt into the started arms of the commando, wrapping her legs around him.

"Rileykins?" Sam blasted angrily. "I'm the only one who can call you Rileykins! Who the hell is this?"

Harmony eased off her vice grip and dropped to the ground. "Who is she?" She reached up and smacked Riley in the chest. "And where did you go? I was so mad at you, I could have ripped your throat out. And then I remembered how much you like that." She looked up at him and melted. "I can't stay mad at you, baby. Where've you been?"

"I want an explanation for this, Finn," Sam demanded, "and I want it now!"

"I'm kinda curious myself," Buffy interjected.

[Klytaimnestra]

Sam and Buffy watched fascinated as a dull red flush crept up Riley's neck and over his cheeks. An embarrassed grin opened his lips, assisted by Harmony's tongue. "Mm - mmph - mmph mmWAH", he said, disengaging with an effort from her mucilaginous lips. "Not here sweetheart, I'll meet you outside," he added to Harmony in a stage whisper, and tried to push her off his lap.

"HARMONY was one of your vamp-hos?" erupted Buffy.

"Soldier, do you know this trollop?" interrupted Sam.

"What did you say, Rileykins?" said Harmony, twirling her fingers through his short hair and nibbling on his neck.

"Uh - I can - uh - " Riley managed to get out, dazed with lust, staring into Harmony's eyes.

"You can WHAT?" chorused the women in his life, except Harmony, who began sucking on his fingers.

"Can we go somewhere fun tonight, Rileykins?" she whined. "I've missed you so!"

"Go somewhere fun tonight. Yeah, I can do that...."

[Taramisu]

"...but how's about we talk about this later, okay, Harm?"

Sam and Buffy both looked at the farm boy in shock. "HARM!?"

Spike had stolen a cherry pie-esque dessert from behind the counter and was sucking out the filling and giggling at the Jerry Springer scene before him. "About bloody time they all ganged up on someone besides me!"

A chorus of voices ensued. "Shut up, Spike!"

He threw his hands in the air, exclaiming, "Hey! Just sayin'." He then went back to sucking the pie dry.

"So, *Rileykins*," Buffy began in mocking sarcasm, "You were having sex with her the whole time you were having sex with me?!"

Riley was a sight that made Spike bust out laughing. There he stood, in full camo, his wife at his side, his ex-girlfriend on his other side, and a vamp ho hanging on him like Fyral mucous. His face was that of a man who knew that his days were numbered. Yet, the only thing that he could seem to get out of his mouth was...

[Juleen]

"Uh, umm. See." Riley looked from face to face, dumb struck that for the first time in his life he was surrounded by the only three woman that have ever given him the time of day. From the looks on their faces he guessed that two wanted to kill him, at least the third one liked her blood fresh so maybe he still had a chance.

Out of the corner of his eye, Riley saw a flash of white fur scamper past the large plateglass window of the Doublemeat Palace, "There it is, catch it!" Before anyone could comprehend what he was talking about, he had untangled Harmony from around his neck where she was eyeing the throbbing artery hungrily , and rushed past them and out the door into the evening darkness.

"Damn, now I got to try and catch him again!" Sam Finn whined. "Buffy, you know his regular hangouts, mind helping me locate him? I'm afraid that if he finds what he thinks is Eastre's lair that he'll destroy it and anyone else that gets in his way."

Buffy glanced to where Spike lounged lazily against the side of one of the tacky booth seats. Shrugging her shoulders, she watched as Spike's sensual tongue slowly licked away the last of the cherry filling from his top lip. Meeting her eyes he mouthed "Later."

"K, guess I'm in." Buffy sighed, feeling like she was going to burst as visions of Spike and his magnificent golden tongue danced in her head. "Gotta make this quick though, have vampires to lay...slay."

"Let's go than." Stopping to scan over the petite blond's figure Sam commented, "The way Riley talks about you I was expecting someone more like Santa Claus or Buddha, but there's barely anything to you, sure you wouldn't want an extra large thick chocolate shake before we head out?"

[Leslie]

Thinking, 'I'll tell you where to put that chocolate shake, you...Mary-Sam,' Buffy sashayed out of the Double Meat, feeling men--even living ones--turn their heads to watch her as she passed. She would show Camo-Girl and her Rileykins--she shuddered at the very sound of it--who was really the center of the Buffy-er, universe.

When she reached the street, the other two women on her heels, she didn't hesitate, just turned left and kept moving. She knew just where that rabbit had been heading, and knowing Riley, where there was fur, there was firepower, so time was of the essence or the carnage was going to make headlines all across the south side of town.

######

"Sunnydale Mall?" Harmony stopped at the entrance, a look of near-worship on her face. "I haven't been to the mall since...since my Blondie Bear and I broke up." When her big eyes failed to fill with tears, she quickly pulled a tiny squeeze bottle out of her teddy bear purse and artfully dropped faux tears into place.

'Blondie Bear?' thought Buffy. 'And...the mall?' She would have to give that one some thought later, but meanwhile, there were wabbits to wescue.

Her Slayer glare firmly in place, she shoved open the doors and started down the garish walkway past...'Oh, look,' she thought, stopping to stare, mesmerized, into the Gap Girl window. 'Those jeans would be just--no, =later.=' Following the sounds of shrill, childish screams, she made her way to the center court, where chaos reigned.

Hordes of howling children were clustered together, their frantic parents trying fruitlessly to pull them off...Riley Finn? Sitting on the lap--well, more like crushing the lap--of a giant Easter bunny, with broken hardboiled eggs all over the floor?

Just then Riley looked up and spotted her. Shockingly, his eyes went right past her to the two women behind her. Stunned that anyone could ignore her right here in her own town, Buffy stopped in her tracks and was passed by Sam and Harmony, who strode toward Riley, simultaneously cooing, "Rileykins?"

In a fraction of a second, the children scattered as Riley raised an AK-47 from where it had been hidden beneath a pile of cellophane-wrapped Peeps. He aimed it at the women and said in his patented Riley manly-man monotone, "Don't come any closer or I'll cut you in half. I've found my woman and I want you to leave us alone." Then he turned his manly-man face toward the Easter Bunny and planted a big kiss on her furry lips.

We now leave you for a station break, where we push upcoming new episodes of "Bitchy, the Vampire Slayer," "Roz-hell on Earth" and our biggest moneymaker, "Wrestling in Jell-O for Dollars."

[Ivytree]

"She's mine, do you hear?" Riley growled insanely. "None of you know her power!"

Buffy, Sam, and even Harmony took cover as he waved his weapon around aimlessly. They could see, though the madman couldn't, Spike and Clem sneaking up from behind the mall's Easter display, hidden by banks of brightly colored silk flower arrangements, baskets, and giant plastic eggs.

Harmony, suddenly remembering that bullets wouldn't kill her anyway (though they might ruin her new pink leather jeans), popped up again, tossing her long blond hair - which was at least natural, unlike some people's.

"Ooh, Rileykins!" His head whipped around and he tried to focus on her. "Look be- " Buffy tackled her just as Spike and Clem pounced, wrestling Riley to the floor and disarming him.

Sam ran toward the group as Buffy flattened Harm with one blow - she had never liked that girl ("Blondie Bear" indeed!) - and leapt up to follow. "Don't hurt him!" Sam cried. "He can't help it! It was the Peeps!"

Spike stood over Riley, one booted foot on his neck and the AK-47 held loosely in the crook of his arm. "Don't worry, G.I. Jane, he's not damaged; I just knocked him out - hey, wait a minute! My chip didn't go off!" He felt absently in his pockets for cigarettes.

Sam knelt beside Riley, pinned under Spike's Doc Martin, and stroked his cheek. "We were afraid to tell anyone," she faltered. "After the Peeps took him - after what happened - he's - he's not human anymore!" She burst into tears.

"Which Peeps?" Buffy said seriously. She felt the situation needed analysis. She wished Giles were here. Maybe he could look the Peeps up in some tome or other. You could find pretty much anything in a tome. "Like, were they the yellow, chickie-shaped ones, or those weird blue and purple rabbit-shaped ones? 'Cause, let me tell you, those are creepy."

"Oh, Mighty One," Clem said respectfully to the Easter Bunny, "Please don't visit your wrath on these insignificant humans. They don't understand your power."

"Thanks, Clem," Buffy said. Clem was always so helpful.

"Hey! What about me?" Spike said. "I don't bloody understand her power, either." He found his lighter, but would have to put the AK-47 down to use it and he liked controlling that much firepower. He tucked his fags away with a sigh. Buffy rolled her eyes. Like she cared if Spike had a big, smooth, throbbing weapon. Yeah, right. Even if it looked like he knew how to handle it a *lot* better than Riley did…

Suddenly the display platform rumbled, and the Bunny rose to its full height. It seemed to expand before their eyes, until the mighty, furry, ten-foot Rabbit-Goddess stood before them, ornamented incongruously with a gigantic lavender satin bow around its neck.

"Fear not," she said, in a booming voice, her pink nose twitching.

[Colleen]

"For I am the one foretold by ..."

The bunny god's words were cut off by a piercing scream. One of the mall inhabitants had collapsed, falling hard to the concrete floor.

"Anya," Xander called. "Anya, are you alright? What happened?" He turned towards the object of his fiancee's terror. "Sweet merciful Bugs!" he exclaimed.

"Pitiful humans, I said do not fear," the bunny continued. "For I am the one foretold by ..."

"Hey, you!" Xander shouted. "Rabbit thing! You scared my girlfriend!"

The bunny looked toward the young man, impatient with another interruption. Fire flared behind it's little eyes, and a burst of pink energy beamed across the mall, leaving a smoking trench by Xander's shoes.

"Shut up." The Bunny continued. "Too damn many interruptions. Fear not, for I am the one foretold by ..."

[Melissa]

"Yeah, yeah," said Spike (because the story was, after all, about him and the mysterious yet palpable sexual tension that hummed between him and Buffy - just in case you'd missed the subtle overtones). "Save it for the minions, luv."

He gestured towards Clem, diverting the Bunny's attention to the wrinkly demon, who had begun a curious and ritualistic sequence of hops, arms outstretched above his head in an emulation of his Goddess's fluffy pink and white ears. Clem's nose twitched in time with his hops, and watching him apparently soothed Eastre, for her
eyes faded back to their usual gentle pink as she shrank back to her normal (yet still strangely large for a rabbit) size.

Buffy watched as Dr Mary-Sam slid a miniature hypodermic from beneath one perfectly manicured fingernal and administered a tranquiliser to the prone body of the man she had once thought she could love. "Do you have a safehouse?" the perfect specimen of healthy military womanhood asked as she lifted the man over one shoulder in a strangely graceful version of a fireman's lift, smiling to show off her perfect teeth. "I need to bring Finn back up, plus call off the APB on his 10-40 before 1900 or the ADC will hit me with an AWL and quite possible a KITB for the EOEB."

"A-OK, GI-J" Buffy replied, for acronyms were strangely catchy, and 95% of her brain was busy admiring the way Spike's coat hung straight from his shoulders to the floor. She had worn it the other night while he had done those things to her. She frowned in frustration that Finn had returned to interrupt their plans -- not that she and Spike had plans or an arrangement or a relationship. "ABC," she added for good measure.

"Better get the Demon out of here before she wakes up," Spike called to Xander. "Whatever possessed you to bring her to a mall at *Easter* anyway, you bloody moron?"

Xander blanched as Spike continued, turning to Mary-Sam. "Get him to take you to the Magic Box. Big Bunny too, if Clem can get her out of here. Slayer and I have some probing to do."

[Juleen]

The whole group turned as one to watch Clem mimic the big fluffy bunny. Nose twitching, ears bobbing, and backside shaking the wrinkly demon started hopping toward the exit. Ten pairs of eyes followed his progress, as Eastre lumbered after him.

"Now,that's one hell of a rabbit's foot." Xander signed, "Think of the luck I could have with that."

"Like bloody hell, I got first dibs on it. Slayer tell him." Spike whined.

"Like what do you need luck for? Hoping that the peroxide won't fry your brains anymore than they already are?" Xander just wanted to egg on the very bleached blond vampire that always seemed to be a thorn in his side.

"Luck? Sorry was thinkin' you said somethin' else. Guess you can have it."

Following Clem and his bouncing shadow the ragtag group started their trek toward the Magic Box. Xander struggled under the burden of trying to carry Anya, who everytime she came to caught sight of the furry wonder in front of them and would promptly pass out again.

The she-thinks-she's-so-great Mrs. Finn carried Riley, not even breaking a sweat under her burden. Spike and Buffy kept to the rear of the parade keeping an eye out for every dark nook and cranny that they could take advantage of to grope each other for any hidden peeps, knowing full well that the sweet confections have been known to attach themselves to some of the most erotic areas of the body.

The sound of screams snapped Buffy and Spike out of their restless search. Spinning toward the screeching they were taken aback by the sight of one incredibly pissed off Easter Bunny spinning wildly. Soldier-boy having awoken from the sedative clung to the back of Eastre, his hands wrapped around the creatures throat choking the stuffing out of it.

Spike just itching for a good tussle jumped into the fray, leveling a kick to where Riley had just a minute ago clung. His boot connecting to the ample midsection of the Bunny, knocking it to the ground.

Buffy, a sense of doom immobilizing her shouted, "Spike for God's sake don't let the rabbit die."

(We now take a break to bring you this emergency bulletin: Peeps have been sighted sticking to body parts across the world. Please take special precautions when approaching this menace. Prolonged exposure has been known to cause adverse dental problems. We now return you to our next scheduled guest, Elsa. Thank you.)

[Elsa]

Buffy waded into the fray, grabbing Riley and dragging him out of the heap of tangled, flailing bodies.

"Sleepy time, Riley," she said, as she clamped him in a choke hold. A moment later, he stopped struggling and slumped to the sidewalk.

"Sam, what have I told you about leaving your boy-toys lying around?" she said as she stepped over his prone body.

Xander had set Anya's unconscious form down on the sidewalk, in order to help subdue Eastre. She roused now, sitting up and glancing at the continuing wrestling match, but turning away before the terror made her faint again.

Just then Spike extracted himself from the tangle of flailing bodies and came over to Buffy.

"I don't think fighting is going to do the job here," he said.

"Well, duh," Anya said, from the ground where she sat with her back to the bunny.

"You know how to subdue Eastre?" Buffy asked.

"Yes. We're going to need carrots -- lots of carrots," Anya said with a trembling voice...

{Taramisu}

Spike immediately turned, running for the one thing that would tame the wild Eastre. The rest could only hope that he would return in time.

"If it weren't for fish-boy, there, we wouldn't be *in* this mess!" All eyes turned to the voice, which happened to be coming from Xander's face.

Buffy looked on in confusion. "I thought you liked Riley."

Anya took this time to mention something that Xander had no idea she knew. "Well, he *does* have a life-size cardboard cutout of Mr. Finn in the closet." She turned to her man. "Why do you keep it way in the back, behind all those dresses and feather boas?"

Amidst all the screaming and pounding of the Eastre Bunny, one loud noise informed them that Xander had fainted dead away.

But, then, their attention was turned to the huffing of a vampire who held two large, colorful birds.

"I got them! Now, what do I do with them?"

Anya, confused as ever, asked the blonde, "First off, why are you breathing heavy? And secondly, what are those?!"

"Parrots. You said we needed parrots."

[Lisa]

The ex-demon blinked. "Parrots? You brought us parrots? I thought you were the smart one of the group." Anya sighed and repeated the dance Clem had done earlier to soothe Eastre.

Xander looked dumbstruck (because that's what he did best). "Ahn, hon, that's really impressive."

"Yes, I thought so." She patted the bunny's head as Eastre rubbed against her like a contented cat.

"But what about your bunny phobia?"

"Xander, that joke has grown quite lame. I think I should find a new defining character trait. What do you think? Dominatrix or naked sky diver?"

Buffy stamped her tiny, expensively shod foot. "Hello! I think you're forgetting what's important here!"

Anya looked perplexed. "But I have subdued Eastre."

"I wasn't talking about the bunny. I was talking about *me.*"

Spike released the parrots and wrapped his black leather clad arm around the Slayer. With a swift, preternaturally (Hey! Anne Rice doesn't own that word) graceful (but still very manly) move he hauled Buffy against his cold, hard, compact but nicely muscled bod. "My world always revolves around you, luv."

"Oh, you sinister but sexy fiend, wanting you is so very wrong, and I am so very ashamed of myself for kissing you and touching you and ripping your clothes off and watching you naked and shoving my tongue down your throat and licking--"

Xander coughed. "This is a PG-13 story, and I'm not supposed to know about the two of you."

"Oh right." She looked up at Spike. "You wanna go out back to the ally where I can beat you and we can have sex against a wall?"

"Sure, luv. Anythin' you want."

Spike and Buffy were only moments away from making their escape so they could shag like . .well, shag like bunnies since that's a recurring theme in this episode. They would have made it too if only. . .

[Leslie]

...Riley hadn't picked that moment to wake up yet again, apparently not having figured out yet that everyone--even Mary Sam--wanted him to shut up and play dead, because trying to get him to do anything useful, much less interesting, was a total impossibility. Instead he started bellowing, "Stella!"

"Damn you, Finn," Mary Sam complained, allowing her mask of perfection to slip momentarily. "You're not back in 'Restless,' and anyway, they weren't even putting on "A Streetcar Named Desire." Then she knelt beside him and, carefully shielding her actions with her own body, thwapped his head against the sidewalk and knocked him out again.

Meanwhile, while everyone's eyes were turned toward Riley, Buffy had taken advantage of the moment to snog Spike, then thwap her own head against the sidewalk in a paroxysm of guilt and knock herself out. Xander, noticing Buffy lying there unconscious, did his patented leaping to the wrong conclusion thing and decided to pound on Spike, who he figured was undoubtedly guilty of something, and was just the kind of target he liked, besides, being unable to hit back.

At that very moment, in the coincidental way things have of happening on TV, Buffy awoke, her super-special Slayer healing powers having raised her from unconsciousness, though as yet they had been sadly unable to raise her actual consciousness and send her forth to burn her bra, thereby pleasing all the male teenagers in the viewing audience. Doing one of her pointless triple backflip top over teakettle jump thingies, she landed between Spike and Xander before the latter could deliver the first blow.

"That's enough," she said firmly, pushing Xander out of the way. "I have an idea for dealing with Eastre, and I want you all to shut up and listen."

"I'm all ears, pet," Spike said, ignoring the groans that greeted his very bad pun.

"OK," Buffy said seriously, having entirely missed his pun, as her profficiency with wordplay had been left behind at the end of season 5, "here's what we have to do...."

[Kly]
But first, this message from our sponsor!

(Scene change to Lilah, in a Hefner bunny suit and 6 inch heels, dancing a cancan on her desk. She leans forward, cleavage to the camera, and says breathily)

LILAH For Easter, I ALWAYS know what will please MY man ...

CUT to Lorne, grinning goofily, leaning against the doorframe, arms full of roses, and back to LILAH...

LILAH... a chocolate Wonderbra! Try it for a real thrill, girls - I KNOW your man will -

2 seconds of blank white screen - has the film broken? And

CUT to Joss Whedon, in a screening room with Marti Noxon.

Caption SECRET CAMERA.

JW: Who authorized that ad? That spoiler wasn't supposed to be leaked until next week! Yank it from distribution and - did you write this Easter Bunny stuff? I never saw this script -

MN: I can't have, J, look at the screen - people are smiling, everyone's having a good time, Buffy's just STOPPED Xander from doing something stupid, Spike has his hand on Buffy's ass and she hasn't knocked him tail over teakettle. How could you
possibly think I could produce such fluffy feel-good -

JW: (interrupting and talking over her) - "Okay okay, sorry, I wasn't suggesting, of course you couldn't have, someone must have snuck it in. (MN has quieted down.) So never mind how it got here - the name on your CV is "Marti Queen of Pain Noxon" - what do you think I hired you for? FIX this!"

MN: (is it a trick of the shadows, or does her face become momentarily all veiny?) DONE. (Her voice has dropped an octave.)

JW: "And KILL THAT CAMERA. Whose idea was it to televise a story conference any - "

CUT to the mall. Buffy turns to Spike, knocking his hand away and shouting

BUFFY: "Vampire! Evil! Bad! What do you think you're doing, infecting me with your vile desires and - " - She begins to pummel him. Spike, resigned, pulls his duster over his head and waits for her to get tired.

CUT to Eastre, suddenly growing to ten feet in size and grabbing Anya under her huge incisors.

ANYA: "Xander? Xander honey - suddenly I remember why I'm afraid of bunnies and - if you ever want to have another orgasm I think you should rescue me now - "

XANDER(pummelling Spike from behind): "Don't bother me with your silly problems Anya, I've got Real Scooby Business to take care of!"

RILEY, suddenly achieving consciousness sees Clem and screams "DOCTOR! DEMON EGG PURVEYOR!" He pulls out his Lego Walkie-Talkie and says "JR-17? This is WKP in Cinncinnati, calling in an air strike on -"

SAM knocks the walkie-talkie out of his hand and steps on it as she deftly injects a sedative into his arm with the other. He slides to the floor again saying happily,

RILEY: "Pretty colours! Can I have another egg?"

Sam looks around with an embarrassed smile, but everyone is occupied. She watches Buffy whaling on Spike and says perkily,

SAM: "You do that so well, Buffy!"

Everyone ignores her and she subsides, looking dejected.

Anya, dangling from Eastre's mouth, is saying faintly,

ANYA: "Xander? Xander honey - I really need a - "

XANDER: "Not now I said!" (Whacks Spike over the head from behind as Buffy wheels around for a jump kick, when a voice is heard from offstage - could it be Barb? - shouting

(UNNAMED FANFIC WRITER)"Marti? GET THE HELL OUT OF OUR STORY! We'll finish it ourselves thanks very much ..."

[Barb C]

As Buffy flew gracefully through the air, one expensively-shod heel aimed straight for Spike’s solar plexus, Xander realized mid-pummel that he was hungry--seeing as he hadn’t eaten anything for a good two hours. And Spike, that inconsiderate bastard, hadn’t come through with the carrots.

He looked around, beady eyes sweeping the vicinity for anything remotely edible. They’d left the mall and its toothsome pyramids of multicolored Peeps behind, but there had to be something--ahah! “Just as I suspected!” Xander gloated. Sticking to the back of Buffy’s neck as she sailed past him in cool Matrix-y slo-mo was a small, unaccountably malevolent-looking purple marshmallow rabbit. This must have been what Spike had been groping her in the shadows for, because the idea of Buffy allowing an evil icky soulless undead thing to grope her for any other reason was just silly! Just as silly as Spike doing nekkid pushups in bed while Buffy was wandering around invisible! Just a silly as Buffy explaining that Spike had his tongue in her mouth because he was checking on a loose filling for her! Just as silly as--

“Mmmmm, radioactive-purple marshmallow,” Xander reached out with a Homer Simpson gargle of culinary lust and and plucked the Peep from Buffy’s neck, plunging his teeth into its sweet, sweet, gooey goodness.

Several things happened at once. Buffy shook herself and went wide-eyed with the patented No Longer Mind Controlled Expression, and immediately switched from Kick Mode to Kiss Mode. Instead of kicking Spike in the gut, she landed on him in full straddling position, knocking him flat on his back and jackknifing forwards to do a little checking for loose fillings. Spike, realising that he might as well enjoy it while he could, growled lustily and pulled her into a steamy embrace.

At the same time, the purple Peep emitted an ear-splitting shriek of pain and anguish, which didn’t last long, as Xander popped the rest of it into his mouth and reduced it to purple goo. Buffy tore herself away from her newfound hobby of do-it-yourself-vampire dentistry long enough to look up and see the purple blob on the back of Xander’s neck bobbing up and down in time to the rhythm of his mighty jaw. “I =knew= those things were creepy!” she cried. “Come on, Spike, we’ve got Peep ass to kick!”

It was terrible: Slayer and vampire, armed only with supernatural speed, superhuman strength, and cutting edge fashion sense, against a small purple confection. The battle lasted only a minute or two, mainly because Buffy didn’t want to get her fingers all icky and purple. The minute the thing was off Xander’s neck he screamed “ANYA!” and dove for the giant furry form of Eastre, kicking it in the shins and yelling “Put her down, you fiend!”

Eastre spat Anya out into her paw. “All right, all right already! Sheesh! Rabbits are herbivores, you moron!” She set Anya down on the sidewalk, dripping with rabbit spit but otherwise unharmed.

Xander flung his arms around his soggy bride-to-be. “My hero!” Anya cried. “When we get home we can play ‘The Naughty Golfer and the Hole In One,’ because as comic relief, we’re allowed to have an adventurous sex life without being considered evil and perverted.”

Xander brightened up. “Cool.”

Spike looked hopeful. “So if I go back to being the whacky evil neighbor...”

“Don’t count on it, buster,” Buffy said. “You’re the only thing keeping the ratings afloat. Oh, wait, I forgot--get the camera over here, would you?” She reached over and ripped Spike’s shirt open, sending buttons flying everywhere and revealing a chiseled expanse of granite-hard muscle. Discretely wiping drool from her chin, Buffy turned reluctantly to Sam. “I think it’s time we got a full explanation of what’s going on.”

Sam scuffled her feet. “I intended to tell you earlier,” she pouted, “but we kept getting interrupted by plot devices! It’s not my fault!” Buffy tapped her foot impatiently. “All right. As I told you back in the burger place, Riley hasn’t been the same since the Peeps took him. At first we thought it was a simple phobia caused by shock and horror at the sight of blue and purple marshmallow animals--”

“Understandable.”

“--but we soon learned it was more than that. The Peeps are, in fact...” she paused for dramatic effect-- “an intelligent hive mind, bent on conquering this dimension. They took over select military personel and controlled them, used them to start the Initiative--until Dr. Walsh went made and began building Adam, the Initiative was to capture and tag demons, with the ultimate goal of capturing this--” Sam waved at Eastre. “A demon fertility goddess whose powers could have multiplied the Peep Collective a hundredfold in mere days! With Eastre under their control, there would have been no stopping them. Peep-controlled Riley knew that you could lead him to Eastre one way or another, and--”

Buffy yawned. The expository dialogue was getting to her, and besides, all that cold, muscular vampire flesh was getting awfully distracting. She sidled over closer to Spike, who was posing for the camera. “And you were trying to stop him, yadda yadda. Considering that all you have to do is pull the Peep off like a big ol’ leech, I don’t think--“

“No, Slayer, you don’t think!” Sam’s voice had become high and shrill, like a mouse on helium. She threw back her head and cackled insanely. “If you did think, it would have occurred to you that no one could be as insanely perfect as Samantha Finn, and that, in fact, Samantha Finn is merely a clever disguise for--“ she flung her arms wide, and with a terrible wet sucking sound Sam Finn’s perfectly proportioned body split open and fell to the ground, revealing the smooth, bulging horror beneath. It was a Peep! Purple, hideous, vaguely rabbit-shaped, it hopped spongily towards Eastre. “The Peep Queen! At last, I can merge with the rabbit demoness and achieve ultimate power, spreading my purple progeny across the universe!”

Eastre shrieked like a bunny and dropped to all fours, prepared to hop for her life, but it was too late! The oleaginous purple tide slorped over her ankles and she was trapped in a marshmallow tar pit. “You’ve got to stop it!” the goddess cried. “If it engulfs me we’re all doomed!”

“There’s only one way to fight this thing!” Buffy cried.

“Beat the crap out of it?” asked Spike.

“Bazookas?” Xander asked, ever hopeful. Everyone stared at him in disgust. “Hey, it was the only real good idea I ever had.”

“No!” Clem, whom everyone had forgotten completely, wrung his paws. “Don’t kill Eastre! Our clan still needs her!”

“Second that motion!” Eastre kicked helplessly at the advancing tide of purple goo. Buffy’s face grew stern and grim.

“There’s only one way to deal with Peeps, and you all know what it is. You just don’t want to face the horrible truth--but I’m the Slayer, and it’s my duty.” She took a step forward. Spike grabbed her arm.

“No, pet, you can’t sacrifice yourself! The bellyache--”

“He’s right,” Xander said, pale and perspiring. “You can’t do it alone.”

With a glare at Xander, Spike growled, “She’s not alone, git. I’ve got her back.”

“Come on, then,” Buffy said. “Let’s do it.”

With a rebel yell the three of them rushed the Peep Queen, followed by Clem and Anya. The carnage was unbelieveable. Strings of purple marshmallow clotted with white rabbit fur flew everywhere. Even Eastre aided in the battle, her huge incisiors doing terrible damage to the enemy. And within fifteen minutes, it was over: every last scrap of the Peep Queen had been... eaten. Once again, the world was safe for goodness and niceness and real, wholesome yellow chickie Peeps.

“I feel sick,” said Anya, clutching her stomach. Everyone was collapsed against the nearest wall, too stuffed to move.

“Muh fangth ur thtuck togevver,” Clem mumbled.

“Zzzzzz,” said Riley, still unconscious (not that anyone could tell the diffrence.)

“I need to go into another line of work,” Eastre sighed, fanning herself with a large white paw.

“You know,” said Xander, “This stuff would go really well with barbeque-flavored Doritos.”

Buffy scooted a little closer to Spike (who, being a vampire, could eat twenty pounds of marshmallow fluff, feel fine, and not gain an ounce). “You know what they say about slaying making you hungry and horny?”

“Yeah, pet?”

“Well,” she licked his ear. “I’m not hungry any more.”

“Grrrrraaaaaarrhhhhhh!”

“Oooh, Spike!”

“Poor Buffy,” Xander said, blissfully ignoring the passionate writhing going on five feet away. “It’s tough saving the world.”



THE END

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Comments

( 10 rants — Talk To Me )
slaymesoftly
Jul. 8th, 2013 02:21 am (UTC)
Clearly you all had way too much time on your hands.... LOL Thank you for sharing this funny oldie!
rahirah
Jul. 8th, 2013 03:43 am (UTC)
I remember it being a lot of fun to write, though at times I had my doubts that we could wrap it up. *g*
velvetwhip
Jul. 8th, 2013 02:42 am (UTC)
I remember those days. I wasn't writing until 2004, but I was beta reading and cheerleading like Cordelia on crack. The lists were a lot of fun.

This was such a kick! The fun you had actually shows.


Gabrielle
rahirah
Jul. 8th, 2013 03:44 am (UTC)
Uh huh. BAPS kind of imploded towards the end of the show, but when it was good, it was very very good.
zanthinegirl
Jul. 8th, 2013 03:00 am (UTC)
Hee! That was really goofy, but a whole lot of fun. I remember those names! I used to sort of lurk on BAPS; I'm pretty sure that's where I stumbled onto my first link to good BtVS fic.
rahirah
Jul. 8th, 2013 03:45 am (UTC)
It's kind of like a "Whatever Happened To...?" of Spuffy fandom...
ayinhara
Jul. 8th, 2013 03:44 pm (UTC)
Exactly. I remember BAPS and the other yahoo lists fondly. That's where I found you and the other BtVS fanfic writers.
lady_yashka
Jul. 8th, 2013 07:46 am (UTC)
Memories...

I was around then, but I was lurking at the time. I was on several of those old mailing list.
waddiwasiwitch
Jul. 8th, 2013 09:52 pm (UTC)
Hee! Thanks for sharing. I laughed myself silly.
magnuskn
Jul. 9th, 2013 09:51 pm (UTC)
Ooooh....!
Nostalgia!

I actually still use my BAPS coaster and mug. Got the coaster right in front of me, and the mug is about 2 meters behind me in the cupboard. BAPS remains as one of the top three things in fandoms I was involved in over the years.
( 10 rants — Talk To Me )

Dear Pixel Pal,

This is my journal, which I use to rant about fandom, complain about life in general, and occasionally post fanfic. If you want to friend me, feel free. If you don't, just back quietly out the door and we'll pretend like this never happened, 'kay?

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