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Apr. 24th, 2006

Ok, enough about politics, art, and science! Forget Iraq and Nepal and American Idol! We all know what the really important question of the day is. I speak, of course, of the dire question of Angel’s weenie. Anyone who’s anyone has already seen the recent pictures of DB’s naughty bits. And yet no one has considered their potential effect on the world of fan fiction.

It’s a long-standing fannish tradition that the male character the author likes best gets the biggest willy. Why? I don’t know. In real life, I’m told that ‘bigger is better’ only holds true up to a point, but since when is fanfic bound by the strictures of mere plausibility? It’s tradition, dammit! And I don’t mean normal guy big, seven, maybe eight inches at a stretch. We’re talking eat-your-heart-out-John-Holmes big, I-always-win-the-three-legged-race big, farm-animals-fear-me big. The kind of big where they have to wear specially tailored shorts and possibly rent a wheelbarrow. The second-most-favored male character may, at the author’s discretion, get to be slightly (but only slightly) thicker than Our Hero, but that’s as far as we’ll deviate from the Penis Hierarchy. If you like Angel best, he’s biggest. If you like Spike best, he's biggest. If you like Xander best, well, you’re a little odd. But yea, even Jonathan may be blessed with a freakishly large whanger if his admirers so decree.

ANYWAY. Personally, in my own stories, I try to leave the whole who’s-bigger issue clothed in decent obscurity, or at least a pair of nice silk boxers. I have opinions, naturally, but I waive that point. I do not press it. I look over it. There is, generally, only one penis at a time on display in my fic, which makes it easy to describe whichever one happens to be center stage in terms of glowing approval without making any other penises feel slighted. I keep said terms of glowing approval appropriately vague, so as to leave the impression that X is an incredible stud, but the precise dimensions of any character’s studliness are left to the reader’s imagination.

But what if you’ve just devoted sixty thousand words to lovingly crafted descriptions of Angel’s throbbing purple thirteen-inch-long, six-inch-in-circumference, with-a-little-vein-that-goes-right-there whangdoodle, only to wake one morning to the shocking photographic evidence that while DB’s penis is a perfectly, er, upstanding representative of its gender and in no way anything to be ashamed of, neither is it, as dovil put it, a mighty oak which requires four strong young men to haul it around? Does one sniff and point out that DB is not, in fact, Angel, and as a fictional character, Angel is entitled to a certain degree of pleasing authorial elaboration? Does one pish-tush and maintain that Angel is a grower rather than a shower? Does one scuttle to the keyboard to revise one’s expectations downward, as it were, and re-post every story in which said portion of the Angelic anatomy makes an appearance? And if the latter, does an Angel of merely moderate endowments strike fear and awe into Buffy/Spike/Wesley/whoeverthehell when he whips it out? These are weighty questions indeed.

And lest the Spike fans out there think they are exempt from this dilemma, snicker not, nor chortle, for who knows when someone will dig up cast photos of whatever play it was JM did starkers, or full frontal footage from some set of season six dailies? Granted, those boxer shots in the Shadow Puppets trailer look fairly promising, but you never know, he could be stuffing gym socks down there or something. All could yet be revealed, and the revelation prove disastrous to cock-measuring fic everywhere!

Comments

( 185 comments — Leave a comment )
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jadestarla
Apr. 24th, 2006 06:50 pm (UTC)
I am putting this in my memories, becasue I just laughed so hard I think I ruptured my s[pleen!
gillo
Apr. 24th, 2006 06:51 pm (UTC)
Anyone who’s anyone has already seen the recent pictures of DB’s naughty bits.

Tragically it seems I am not anyone. *sigh*

I love this, Barb - you are so funny. And, know what? As a very straight woman, I really would not want to be approached by something eighteen inches long and six round. *gulp* It really is what you do with it, not the measurements that matters.
typographer
Apr. 24th, 2006 06:56 pm (UTC)
I, apparently, am not anyone either. :(
(no subject) - bogwitch - Apr. 24th, 2006 07:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
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ladypeyton
Apr. 24th, 2006 06:51 pm (UTC)
Feh. Who cares about penis size. Anyone who can curl his tongue around his teeth the way Spike can, can also probably spell in Arabic with it.
spikendru
Apr. 24th, 2006 07:26 pm (UTC)
*nods nods nods*

Right there with ya, Scooter! Angel might have huuuuuuge hands, but that tongue is something else entirely. *g*
herself_nyc
Apr. 24th, 2006 06:51 pm (UTC)
You delight me.

I confess to a similar thought when I saw those stills but it took a Barb to make the post!

Actually the whole thing about prick length is kind of a joke to me, because I think it's more about width than length, BUT I also don't care--in my mind Angel/us is very very well endowed, and that's that. (I tend to think of Spike as being more proportional to his physique overall, and I chortle when fic describes his hands as “large” because there is NOTHING large about the man. And his hands are rather on the almost-stubby side than otherwise.)
ladypeyton
Apr. 24th, 2006 06:57 pm (UTC)
JM actually *does* have a rather freakishly large head in proportion to the rest of him.
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chase820
Apr. 24th, 2006 06:56 pm (UTC)
Hmmm. The "fair-haired boy gets the biggest schlong" theory doesn't always hold true.

In my Brianverse, Angel is the biggest. I like him less than Brian, Spike, and Michael. And, possibly, Harmony, but of course she doesn't enter into this conversation.

Angel is the biggest because he's the main antagonist. The uber Alpha male who must be simultaneously obeyed and resisted. From a characterization standpoint, I had to give him a huge dick, but it's standing in for all the less tangible forms of power he also possesses.

DB's real dimensions don't faze me. He's also not 250 years old and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Gifting his fictional counterpart with a couple of inches of width and a half inch or so of girth is no more unrealistic.
chase820
Apr. 24th, 2006 06:58 pm (UTC)
Oh, and just to clarify: this post was screamingly funny. My answer took such a serious tone because it is an issue I've thought about in my stories quite a bit. Phallic symbols are key to issues of male power, one of the main themes of my story. Who's biggest and thickest and genitally most intimidating? Important.
(no subject) - bogwitch - Apr. 24th, 2006 07:07 pm (UTC) - Expand
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janedavitt
Apr. 24th, 2006 07:05 pm (UTC)
Well, this had me snickering and nodding agreement, because really, there's no need to do that. I read a fic last night where O'Neill's cock was described as 'huge' and I thought, law of averages, probably not you know?
rydra_wong
Apr. 27th, 2006 10:25 am (UTC)
But obviously the hotness of a sex scene is directly proportional to the penile vastitude described therein!

Really, it's amazing that any of us put energy into actually writing sex scenes and trying to make them hot, if all that's needed is to write, "It was HUGE. They did sex. The end."

I just ... don't get it. If you particularly want something exactly x inches long and y in circumference, this is what sex shops are for, you know? Not worth all this fuss.
(no subject) - janedavitt - Apr. 27th, 2006 06:37 pm (UTC) - Expand
peasant_
Apr. 24th, 2006 07:05 pm (UTC)
Hee, rahirah - cutting straight to the heart of fandomn's biggest issues. I shall be watching metafandom with bated breath the next few days.

But my main feeling about the famous DB pictures was what was all the fuss about? He is nude, yes, but you only get a few inches more skin than we saw on Life of the Party, and in one shot only you can maybe see a fuzzy blur where genitalia should be - how can anyone care about that, let alone pronounce on his attributes? If I ever needed anything to convince me I'm not heterosexual it was my reaction to those pics compared to how half my flist were squeeing.
ladypeyton
Apr. 24th, 2006 07:14 pm (UTC)
But my main feeling about the famous DB pictures was what was all the fuss about?

I was more horrified by the evidence that he shaves his pubes. What's up with that!
(no subject) - spikendru - Apr. 24th, 2006 07:19 pm (UTC) - Expand
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TMI Ahoy... - botias - Apr. 27th, 2006 05:29 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - shapinglight - Apr. 24th, 2006 07:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
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shipperavenger
Apr. 24th, 2006 07:06 pm (UTC)
So where does one find said pictures? You can't possibly tease us poor uninformed masses like this without letting us share in the fun!
spikendru
Apr. 24th, 2006 07:17 pm (UTC)
They were posted here.
(no subject) - gillo - Apr. 24th, 2006 07:21 pm (UTC) - Expand
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petzipellepingo
Apr. 24th, 2006 07:09 pm (UTC)
Hmmm... to paraphase an old commercial; it's not how long you make it, it's how you make it long.
shapinglight
Apr. 24th, 2006 07:15 pm (UTC)
Re: what does one do?

One shrugs and carries on just as before.
cornerofmadness
Apr. 24th, 2006 07:16 pm (UTC)
i think i hurt something laughing
my_daroga
Apr. 24th, 2006 07:18 pm (UTC)
Interesting point. What this leads to, of course, is a discussion about what this means about ficcers as accolytes of the Cult of the Cock. Phallic worship seems rather silly to me, as I've never, personally, felt the urge to worship anyone's member for its own sake. I'm quite happy with whatever Hottie McHotpants has to give me, of whatever gender, because, dude, s/he's hot! It's not even an aesthetic consideration for me like breast size is, because I'm usually not just lookin'.

So what does it mean for all us girls to be cooing over SIZE? How many of us really care, and is it really, as has been suggested, a matter of masculine status? If so, what does that mean for us as women?

(And because I'm feeling the TMI today, I'm gonna go ahead and own up that I am a sexual freak and don't want a big one.)
herself_nyc
Apr. 24th, 2006 07:28 pm (UTC)
I think it's more important in fic than in real life. It's sort of a trope, perhaps.
(no subject) - spikendru - Apr. 24th, 2006 07:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
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adriana_is
Apr. 24th, 2006 07:19 pm (UTC)
Okay, I am at work and should not be posting but DB's showed his naughty bits? Where was I that i missed this event?

spikendru
Apr. 24th, 2006 07:42 pm (UTC)
It's the out-takes from his new film, These Girls. I think they were originally posted on a gay male site, someone on my flist picked them up and posted, so now the Spike/Angel comparison has reached fever pitch. *g*
(no subject) - adriana_is - Apr. 25th, 2006 01:24 am (UTC) - Expand
paratti
Apr. 24th, 2006 07:25 pm (UTC)
I do have to say, my first and main response to seeing the pictures was a a 'I thought it was supposed to be big'
But that might be me doing a whole Susan from Coupling re the Patricks of the world mode thing. Though on that subject. Walking good. Not being able to walk comfortably apres - not so much.
sp23
Apr. 24th, 2006 07:26 pm (UTC)
OMG, Barb. This post is one for the ages, and certainly asks a question that philosophers will be debating for generations to come. Are obscenely large dicks actually necessary for getting the job done? (I will qualify that obscenely small dicks do not get the job done.) ;P

I'm still somewhat in shock at seeing DB's full monty. And I fear and yet look forward with greedy anticipation to the time when we have the great Marsters unveiling.

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