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It's Barb! And she has a chainsaw!

    Assemble the following equipment:
  • Thirty-foot pine tree, ideally a dead one positioned to fall on some electric lines. We do not recommend live pine trees unless you are in dire need of Christmas decorations and have an extremely high ceiling. Dead trees of other species are acceptable as well.
  • Chainsaw
  • Crowbar
  • 100-ft (30 m.) rope
  • stepladder, minimum 6 ft tall
  • 60 lb. Lab mix (essential for supervisory tasks)
  • 1 loyal minion


    1. Determine the direction you would prefer your tree to fall. Take into account the position of electrical lines, buildings, other trees, and large clueless dogs.

    2. With chainsaw, remove as many lower branches as is feasible. The large clueless dog should wander into range of falling branches and/or chainsaw at random intervals, in order to keep adrenaline levels suitably high.

    3. On the side of the trunk facing the desired direction of fall, take the chainsaw and make a downward cut at a 45-degree angle, approximately 50% of the way through the trunk. (Figure A, Cut 1)

    4. Several inches below the first cut, make a second cut straight into the trunk, so as to intersect the bottom of the first cut. (Figure A, Cut 2)



    Figure A


    5. Take break. Have heartfelt discussion with large clueless dog on the subject of Why He Is Not A Lapdog, Really.

    6. Remove the wedge of wood between the two cuts by tapping with crowbar or other poking device. (Inserting fingers into small crevices between large heavy chunks of wood is not recommended.)

    7. Climb stepladder, and pass rope around highest reachable point of tree trunk. (Figure B)



    Figure B


    8. Give ends of rope to minion. (Figure C)



    Figure C


    9. With chainsaw, make a straight cut into the trunk of the tree opposite Cut 2 and level with it. (Figure A, Cut 3)

    10. While you are cutting, your minion should exert light tension on the rope, pulling the trunk in the direction you want it to to fall. Your rope should be long enough that your minion can stand far enough back so as not to be crushed should the tree fall unexpectedly. Inadvertently crushing your minion is Bad.

    11. All cuts completed, the tree should topple slowly and gracefully to the ground in exactly the position you want it to, missing all obstacles noted in Step 1, as well as you, your minion, and the large clueless dog.

    12. With chainsaw, remove remaining branches and cut trunk into easily disposable lengths.

    13. Rest on your laurels. (Or, in this case, pines.)



    I have determined over the last week or so that Everything I Need To Know About Managing, I Learned Running A Holt. Also, there will be more promptfic tomight. I HAVE SPOKEN. RAWR! PH33R MY MAD CHAINSAW-WIELDING LITERARY SKILZ!

Comments

( 38 comments — Leave a comment )
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jwaneeta
Sep. 27th, 2009 08:14 pm (UTC)
You're CUTTING DOWN A TREE?!

Jeebus, that's hardcore. I wouldn't have the guts -- though I do have trees that need to come down.
rahirah
Sep. 27th, 2009 08:17 pm (UTC)
It's only an Eldarica pine - they don't get all that big. There's no way I'd try to tackle, say, one of those monster Aleppo pines on my own. I'd be DED FROM TREE.
elizardbits
Sep. 27th, 2009 08:19 pm (UTC)
Wait, are there meant to be pictures here? I CANNOT SEE PICTURES SOBBITY.

Also, words alone cannot express my unholy glee at the first time I used 1) a backhoe, 2) a lawn tractor, 3) an arc welder, and 4) a terrifyingly ancient and mysterious fascist-era weed whacker-type instrument. Thus, I am suitably jealous of your chainsawitude.
rahirah
Sep. 27th, 2009 08:28 pm (UTC)
HAH! HTML CANNOT DEFEAT ME!

(i.e. pictures are working now.)
(no subject) - elizardbits - Sep. 27th, 2009 08:41 pm (UTC) - Expand
riccadonna
Sep. 27th, 2009 08:20 pm (UTC)
Envy makes me greener than the Hulk.
Also, I didn't get the figures. :(
rahirah
Sep. 27th, 2009 08:25 pm (UTC)
Am puzzling over html as we speak. :headscratch:
jen_nsync_landl
Sep. 27th, 2009 08:32 pm (UTC)
It's picture-riffic in my world, so I think you've got it now. Love the insertion of "the minion". ;)
rahirah
Sep. 28th, 2009 04:58 am (UTC)
:D
goldenusagi
Sep. 27th, 2009 08:33 pm (UTC)
And now I know how to chop down a tree. Y'know, should I ever need to.

Though I don't have a Lab mix... I could borrow one, though.
rahirah
Sep. 28th, 2009 04:59 am (UTC)
It's really impossible to do it without one! Just ask him!
spiralleds
Sep. 27th, 2009 08:58 pm (UTC)
The addition of minion to Figure C killed me ded. :D
rahirah
Sep. 28th, 2009 04:59 am (UTC)
:D
brutti_ma_buoni
Sep. 27th, 2009 09:00 pm (UTC)
You are scary. But not, I think, evil (Exhibit A for non-evilness: Inadvertently crushing your minion is Bad.). So: power to you!
rahirah
Sep. 28th, 2009 05:00 am (UTC)
I scare? I make with fright?
evil_little_dog
Sep. 27th, 2009 09:03 pm (UTC)
Mmmm, playing with power tools...mmmMMMmmm....
rahirah
Sep. 28th, 2009 05:00 am (UTC)
Power tools rock!
ljs
Sep. 27th, 2009 09:09 pm (UTC)
[shudders from fear of falling trees]

[applauds you nonetheless]
rahirah
Sep. 28th, 2009 05:01 am (UTC)
It really wasn't a very large tree!
quinara
Sep. 27th, 2009 09:14 pm (UTC)
*ph33rs*

Yay promptfic!
rahirah
Sep. 28th, 2009 05:01 am (UTC)
:D
petzipellepingo
Sep. 27th, 2009 09:29 pm (UTC)
Not only has mad writing skilz but mad chainsaw skilz - I am in awe "bows down".
rahirah
Sep. 28th, 2009 05:02 am (UTC)
I admit that it's only a wimpy little girly electric chainsaw. Still, chainsaw!
lynnenne
Sep. 27th, 2009 09:44 pm (UTC)
This has been a most enlightening lesson! I am now a large less-than-clueless human.

Also, are prompts open to Spangelesque requests?

Edited at 2009-09-27 09:45 pm (UTC)
rahirah
Sep. 27th, 2009 11:33 pm (UTC)
With the caveat that it's all set in my 'verse and therefore platonic, subtext-only Spangel, soitenly!
(no subject) - lynnenne - Sep. 28th, 2009 12:49 am (UTC) - Expand
nutmeg3
Sep. 27th, 2009 10:12 pm (UTC)
Wow!
rahirah
Sep. 28th, 2009 05:03 am (UTC)
I wouldn't try it on a really big tree without professional help. But on small to medium trees it works like a charm!
mustangsally78
Sep. 27th, 2009 10:17 pm (UTC)
Color me impressed
I can just about be bothered to weed these days.
rahirah
Sep. 28th, 2009 05:04 am (UTC)
Re: Color me impressed
Aw, weeding is boring. Chainsaws are much more fun.
(Deleted comment)
rahirah
Sep. 28th, 2009 05:05 am (UTC)
:D
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( 38 comments — Leave a comment )

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