Barb (rahirah) wrote,
Barb
rahirah

  • Mood:

It's Barb! And she has a chainsaw!

    Assemble the following equipment:
  • Thirty-foot pine tree, ideally a dead one positioned to fall on some electric lines. We do not recommend live pine trees unless you are in dire need of Christmas decorations and have an extremely high ceiling. Dead trees of other species are acceptable as well.
  • Chainsaw
  • Crowbar
  • 100-ft (30 m.) rope
  • stepladder, minimum 6 ft tall
  • 60 lb. Lab mix (essential for supervisory tasks)
  • 1 loyal minion


    1. Determine the direction you would prefer your tree to fall. Take into account the position of electrical lines, buildings, other trees, and large clueless dogs.

    2. With chainsaw, remove as many lower branches as is feasible. The large clueless dog should wander into range of falling branches and/or chainsaw at random intervals, in order to keep adrenaline levels suitably high.

    3. On the side of the trunk facing the desired direction of fall, take the chainsaw and make a downward cut at a 45-degree angle, approximately 50% of the way through the trunk. (Figure A, Cut 1)

    4. Several inches below the first cut, make a second cut straight into the trunk, so as to intersect the bottom of the first cut. (Figure A, Cut 2)



    Figure A


    5. Take break. Have heartfelt discussion with large clueless dog on the subject of Why He Is Not A Lapdog, Really.

    6. Remove the wedge of wood between the two cuts by tapping with crowbar or other poking device. (Inserting fingers into small crevices between large heavy chunks of wood is not recommended.)

    7. Climb stepladder, and pass rope around highest reachable point of tree trunk. (Figure B)



    Figure B


    8. Give ends of rope to minion. (Figure C)



    Figure C


    9. With chainsaw, make a straight cut into the trunk of the tree opposite Cut 2 and level with it. (Figure A, Cut 3)

    10. While you are cutting, your minion should exert light tension on the rope, pulling the trunk in the direction you want it to to fall. Your rope should be long enough that your minion can stand far enough back so as not to be crushed should the tree fall unexpectedly. Inadvertently crushing your minion is Bad.

    11. All cuts completed, the tree should topple slowly and gracefully to the ground in exactly the position you want it to, missing all obstacles noted in Step 1, as well as you, your minion, and the large clueless dog.

    12. With chainsaw, remove remaining branches and cut trunk into easily disposable lengths.

    13. Rest on your laurels. (Or, in this case, pines.)



    I have determined over the last week or so that Everything I Need To Know About Managing, I Learned Running A Holt. Also, there will be more promptfic tomight. I HAVE SPOKEN. RAWR! PH33R MY MAD CHAINSAW-WIELDING LITERARY SKILZ!
Tags: barb can has chainsaw, gardening, stupid pet tricks
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  • Not dead

    Just grumpy. I've had interviews at five places so far, and have a sixth scheduled for this Friday. Three of them have given me the "Thanks for…

  • Just deserts

    Every now and then I see posts about how character X deserved better. I don't think there are many characters I haven't seen them for. I have mixed…

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    View poll: A Poll By Me Rants Talk to me